TENACIOUS SURRENDER

Have you ever had days (or weeks!) when you are feeling torn between two worlds?!? I have been in that kind of limbo recently. It’s not a bad place to be … it’s just a different place than where I am used to functioning. I have had deep inner peace about letting go control of my future, yet that peace causes an unavoidable inner conflict. I am excited that I can be at peace about living with the unknown, yet something deep inside me was isn’t quite feeling secure about letting go of my past. There are plenty of possible outcomes floating around in my head that I could grab but something is begging me not to. I am so content to just sit at Jesus’ feet until He beckons me to “go forth”, and yet at the same time every muscle in my body is ready to pounce with gusto into my future! I feel like Mary AND Martha in one package. Yesterday at work, I even struggled to answer the phone correctly! I had to spend a couple of hours “babysitting” the reception desk and was expected to answer the phone with a cheery, “Good afternoon .. Adventist Media Centre … Janine speaking …”. But I was so used to saying something different when I answered my usual work phone, that sometimes no words came when they should have while my brain stopped, to manually try and push away the words that wanted to automatically pop out of my mouth. It seemed such a simple task … and yet my brain did NOT want to let go of its ingrained habit of how it had become accustomed to answering my own phone.

With one particular phone call I stumbled over my formal greeting as it inevitably became a tangle of misplaced syllables that were a mixture of both greetings. Yes, I was definitely feeling … very … ummm … lysdexic! But hey … at least I managed to get my name right! The chatty gentleman had a little laugh and then took great pleasure to inform me that my name consists of two German words. Ja (YES) and nine (NO)! Ok, he took poetic license with the spelling of nein … but nonetheless … I instantly connected it to how I was already feeling. Suddenly it was so clear to me! I was a Yin Yan symbol with arms, legs and somewhat unfortunately at that moment - a mouth! YES – NO! BLACK – WHITE! OLD –NEW! KNOWN – UNKNOWN! MARY – MARTHA! GUILTY – INNOCENT! PAST – FUTURE! CONTROL – SURRENDER … Etc etc. I burst out laughing at him, and then thanked him profusely! He was a tad curious and said he wasn’t sure what I was thanking him for, so I proceeded to tell him that he may have saved me from years of therapy, as he had just uncovered the reason for my “inner conflict”! We laughed together and he assured me he would send me his fee.

As God has grown me, I have found each step of my growth to be like the little tantrums my brain decided to throw at me when I forced it into answering the phone a new way. My brain doesn’t want to jump tracks without fighting hard to keep me functioning in the safe, familiar way it had become accustomed to. My mind ‘logically’ knows the reasons for making changes in my life … but my mind also fights to keep things status quo. It’s easy to operate in the ‘ruts’ our brains are used to functioning in. It’s like running on auto-pilot where our minds follow its usual pre-programmed path and life-as-usual happens, whether smooth or bumpy, it’s familiar. For me to make changes in my life I have to switch off the auto-pilot and begin to manually and consciously manoeuvre myself through previously uncharted territory. My mind can understand why I need to change but my mind also panics when it is forced to venture beyond its previous fences, or should I say “defences”.

Just as my brain did NOT make it easy for me to learn a new ‘phone greeting’, nor does my brain make it easy for me to learn new ways of behaving! My mind would much rather function in it’s deeply ingrained ruts of answering the phone in my usual manner, and that is why it struggled to respond appropriately when I suddenly forced it down a new route. Aha! … my mind has also at times, failed to respond appropriately and has caused me to do unexpected things while I am learning new ways of behaving and reacting! Yes, when faced with ‘new territory’ on the spur of the moment, I have been known to freeze when I should have done something; To go quiet when I should have spoken; To do things that can be humiliating and extremely humbling. And it has even caused me to do things that have been totally wrong!

Growing … goes hand in hand with living midst the tension that comes with changing old habits. Yet our minds fight to stay in their ruts of familiarity, even if those ruts are damaging us! I still laugh when I think of my YES/NO name! Because I WANT to surrender and my heart says, “Yes, do it!” And yet my brain screams “No, stay where I know it is familiar!” So I have to FIGHT to achieve surrender! That thought alone makes me feel like a living oxymoron. Ok ok … all the ‘moron’ jokes aside … it’s my new aim in life to not only let go of my control, but to vigorously force it away whenever it resurfaces. My mind can argue and throw tantrums all it likes to try and keep me functioning in familiar territory … but I am determined to let God continue to change me. I am determined to live for His glory! I am determined to live His will – His way – His timing for me. I am determined to fight for my surrender. I am determined to live my new motto:

“TENACIOUS SURRENDER!”